Body Image

We went out over to our neighbour's house for dinner last night (their kids are close in age to our kids, and the five of them all get along really well - most of the time). Lovely people, I really like them and the kids are sweet - though the little girl can be a tad obnoxious. Anyway, love them, want to shoot the dog. I'm not a violent person, but if I owned a rifle they may not have a dog anymore. (it doesn't stop barking, and I hate dogs to start with - which it seems to be able to sense, because every time I go near it barks even louder and tries to jump up on me even more because I'm not giving it any attention. Fuck off.). I would never be the person to call bylaw on the stupid thing (honestly that never even occurred to me) but that doesn't mean I can't sit here and silently resent the filthy animal. Can you tell I'm a cat person?

The mom and I were having some wine and chatting about whatever. She mentioned she used to be a body builder and I think my jaw almost hit the floor. So cool! I talked about how I'd started going to the gym everyday to try and get in shape. She doesn't go to the gym or workout anymore and doesn't have any confidence about her own body. That shocked me a lot too. I had honestly pictured them both as pretty active and somehow thought she went to the gym a lot. She was saying that she's noticed I wear shorts all the time and that she's a little jealous because she's not confident enough to wear shorts (confidence boost for me) - she always wears long pants/jeans, and she never goes in the pool (we both have above-ground pools for the kids - they typically swim in whichever one is warmer that day) because she doesn't feel comfortable in a bathing suit. More shock. I tried to make some half-assed remark about how nothing is sexier than confidence and realized I didn't want her to think I was hitting on her, so promptly redirected the comment to something about inspiring confidence for the kids.

I try to never let my daughters see me criticize my own body (I don't really do it ever so it's not hard to not do it in front of them). I try not to hide my body or cover up excessively and I don't obsess about my weight. They have frequently seen me in my underwear, or smaller pajamas lounging about the house. I have what I like to call "thunder thighs" and I still wear shorts, usually Bermuda shorts, but still. Even now I'm lounging at my computer in my gym clothes - tight mid-calf pants and a loose tank top. I never use the word "diet" because of all the negative connotations associated with it - you go on a "diet" because you don't love your body and you want to lose weight. I eat what I, want when I want, and I wear what I want. If I try to include more healthy food in my meals, it's never about weight loss or dieting, it's always about recognizing that I had way too much McDonald's this past month and I should probably get some real food into my system. And I make sure to make it clear to my girls that I love my body, even if it is a little more round. If I pick on anything, it's that I'm too tall and it's hard to find clothes that are long enough to fit properly. Your cutesy t-shirt? It's a belly shirt on me. When I was 19 that was cool. Now... not so much. My oldest is already being called "fat" at school - she's tall like me and a string bean, but her hips are built wider than her friends (comes with being a tall girl in my family) so she gets picked on. She literally has nothing extra on her body. We've had numerous conversations about the importance of loving yourself, and how it doesn't matter what you look like: what's important is what's inside. I worry it's not enough.There is so much negative imagery around girls and needing to be "skinny", I figure the best thing I can do for my daughters is model how to love your body in whatever shape it comes in. Even my going to the gym is more about getting fit and undoing the hurt than it is about a number on a scale (sure, that factors in a little, but it's never going to come out in my conversations in front of the girls). In high school the skinny-minnies were always whining that they weighed almost 100 lbs. I weighed 120 at my smallest - and I knew that was ok because I was so much taller than they were. there's going to be added bone structure and it's going to weigh more. (plus I had a flatter stomach than most of them). No, what's important to me is making sure my girls feel comfortable with themselves. I feel like it's the best thing I can do to help them gain the confidence to make it through high school without eating disorders and low self-confidence. I try to never comment on their bodies, and the words "you look so thin" will probably never come out of my mouth.

So the neighbour and I talked about that a little bit and she mentioned how all of her children seem uncomfortable with their bodies. It's a real shame. As a high school teacher I can easily see how that morphs into young girls being too afraid to respect themselves and then saying "yes" to things they may not be fully OK with because they're just happy someone is paying attention to their bodies. I see it all the time. And guess what follows that up? Your kid gets called a slut because 15-year-old boys brag about their conquests far too much.